Autumn Morgan Evans

08:16 am: My Timothy is gone and now my Victor is leaving too! Vicky is taking his girlfriend to Israel, which will be incredible. And little boring me gets to stay and cook nachos for people and serve them in skull plates...

Actually, that isn't half bad!

I'm so glad Timothy gets home tomorrow. He leaves again soon after, but I get him until late July! And then he goes off to travel through Europe. I'm trying to wrangle a vacation so I can be with him for a few days in the middle. Five weeks is a long time!

10:27 pm: Filtered to Timothy
( This is what you get on Friday, even if you have to rush off to places which are other )

10:32 pm: Friends Only
Victor's in Mumbai. Are they bloody stupid?! He's Jewish!

Stupid fucking newspaper fucking...argh.

He's a humour columnist! Apparently his editor sad that too much was happening right now and humour wasn't needed.

I think it's needed now more than ever.

03:24 pm: November 25th is International White Ribbon Day

The White Ribbon Campaign is men seeking to end men's violence against women. Quinn told me about it.

I'm going to be wearing white. And showing the world that I don't hide my face anymore.

04:02 pm: There comes a time, for people like me, when you realise you don't check yourself out in the mirror anymore in the search for bruises you need to cover up. You no longer go over a million excuses in your head so you have a believable one ready for when someone inevitably asks you why you have a black eye. You don't fear returning home. You don't fear talking to other men. You don't fear being 3 minutes late. And you didn't actually realise you stopped those things until one day the point drives itself home and you find you're finally free.

Thank you, those of you who deserve to be thanked. You know who you are.

08:54 pm: I'm turning 26 on May Day! Two days after my Timothy plays his first show in Mexico City. I won't be alone on my birthday though. My mother has all sorts of party ideas. I'm probably going to be drowning in people. Oh dear me, they won't ask about what happened while I was missing, will they? Do you think it would be fair if I said, "I was kidnapped by pirates. It was all day and night looting." Sounds good to me.

I went back to work yesterday and the welcome was overwhelming. I had a cake! And Kat Whitney, who just got married, performed a lovely pole dance. I must speak to her wife. We can have stripper solidarity. It's nice to feel wanted and appreciated. I'd forgotten what that was like. It's nice to be reminded.

01:17 am: Huh...
Can't sleep. But realising I don't have to filter this...it feels good. I don't have to hide anymore. No one has to lie for me or pretend they don't know me. No one has to say I'm not with Timothy so word doesn't get out. I'm done with hiding.

Bound to your side and
Trapped in silence
Just a possession
Is this sex or only violence

That feeds your obsession
You send me to a broken state
Where I can take the pain
Just long enough
That I am numb
That I just disappear

So go on infect me
Go on and scare me to death
Tell me I asked for it
Tell me I'll never forget
You could give me anything but love
Anything but love

Does it feel good tonight
Hurt me with nothing
Some sort of sick satisfaction you
Get from mind fucking

Oh stripped down to my naked core
The darkest corners of my mind are yours
That's where you live, that's where you breathe

So go on infect me
Go on and scare me to death
Dare me to leave you
Tell me I'd never forget
You could give me anything but love
Anything but love

Without any faith
Without any light
Can dare me to live
Can dare me to lie
Inside I am dead

So go on and fight me
Go on and scare me to death
I'll be the victim
You'll be the voice in my head
You could give me anything ..
But love
Anything but love

08:09 pm: Friends Only
I'm at home again.

08:37 pm: Friends Only
I feel like I never have anything to say. Which I suppose is not true, but I tend to say it all out loud. And often...

I am doing alright. As well as could be expected, I suppose. It's hard for me, sometimes. But that's the way life is. Living with Quinn has been a godsend. There's someone here to save me from myself, which is all I really need to be saved from now anyway. He's very good at it.

( And of course, there's him )

07:36 pm: Friends Only
Augh, I hate feeling like I'm being followed even when I'm not.

When will my old life stop chasing me?

06:40 pm: Friends Only
Oh god.

A friend from my old work called me on my old mobile. I hardly ever turn it on because why would I, but I guess...call it morbid curiosity. It had about 150 missed calls from Jake on there. And when my friend called, she told me he'd been hanging around there in the alley way and practically assaulting people to get information! I didn't tell her where I was. But he's looking for me! There's a restraining order and he's still looking for me!

What do I do? She said he said he was looking for Flynn too. He doesn't know I'm with Timothy which...good. Good, good, good.

What if he finds me!?

03:47 pm: Filtered to Timothy
( I miss you )

Come over?

03:35 pm: Filtered to Victor
Vicky! Did you have a good date?!

11:06 pm: Filtered to Timothy
Let's go to visit your parents! If they'd like that. I'd like them to spend time with me when I'm not all...bruised and broken and scared of the world.

How was your day?

03:02 pm: Filtered to Timothy
What are you doing on your birthday, Timothy?

04:40 pm: Friends Only
I called my mother today. I spent about an hour talking to her. She cried and everything, but my brother Vicky was right. She wasn't angry. Well...not with me. Which was what I was so afraid of. I don't know why. I told her I'd see her soon, but I'm not ready yet. She understood that too. I think she knew it was because I don't want her to see me like I am. She's good like that.

Anyway. Good things are happening. I couldn't believe it when I saw Vicky standing there outside Timothy's door yesterday. But I'm glad he found me. Very glad. He was telling me all about the columns he's been writing, which I'm not allowed to talk about because it's all very hush hush, you see. And I think tomorrow he's forcing me out in to the world for coffee or something. Expect me to be a nervous wreck, Vicky. Just so you know.

But things are okay. I am okay. I really am.

12:56 am: Friends Only
You lot are having all the fun without me...

Tags: oh journals...